My last post.

Hey gang, I can't stay long today. I just got an email from a Nigerian prince, who says I'm the beneficiary of a large sum of money. I just sent him all my personal banking and social security information, which he says he needs to transfer the funds into my account. So, this will be my last post. I'm leaving the awesome but not-quite-lucrative world of television news for the greener pastures of Nigerian wealth. Don't worry, you will all see me again when I come around to buy your neighborhood.

This good news couldn't have come any sooner, as I was mere minutes away from assaulting my Evil Producer (EP) this morning. During one of my very important "mental health breaks," his wily ways led him to stuff my backpack full of office supplies. Upon my return, I opened my bag to make sure I'd brought my nutritious and delicious Easy Mac, and instead of tasty cheese-covered noodles, a host of envelopes, tape dispensers, rubber bands, and staple removers fell from the bag. There was also lipstick with Scott's name written on the tube, and a picture of Estelle Getty, whom the silly pseudo-boss has often claimed holds the key to his heart.

See that, buddy?! Stuff my bag full of junk and I will suggest you wear make-up and love Golden Girls. Don't mess with me. I'm hardcore, and soon to be rich!

Despite my impending leave from the world of TV, I give you a host of awesome links to keep yourselves busy and informed today. Enjoy!

* Mark Wahlberg can't take a joke. I watched the "Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals" sketch from SNL yesterday, and it is pretty funny, in a "Isn't it funny the way Wahlberg talks," sort of way. "Now let's talk to a donkey..." Classic!

* Rap "superstar" T.I. is "anxious" about prison. I'm not really up on my street slang anymore. Does "anxious" now mean "utterly terrified of what will happen to my tiny, mildly talented person amidst the cold, hard world of the American penal system?" Because, you know, it should.

* File under: In Bad Taste. Gerard Depardieu's son has died from complications from pneumonia.In other news, "My Father the Hero," now on DVD!

* John McCain quoted as saying "I'll be back," in regards to his current lower standing in the polls. Stealing a line from the Terminator isn't all that surprising for McCain. Both are seemingly indestructible machines long past their prime, which can only be destroyed, truly destroyed, by taking a bath in molten metal.

* Ringo will no longer answer fan mail. The former and, if I may be so bold, LEAST POPULAR Beatle, has claimed he is "too busy" to take the time and show a little respect to the fans who've kept his torch burning for decades. I guess that All Starr Band of his is doing really well. What's that? You've never heard of his other band? Shocking...

* Toyota creates weird, creepy walking robot suits. We're only a few steps away from that final battle in Aliens, and I for one can't wait!

* Sharks now have not one, but two Jesuses. Jesi?

* Come get drunk with me next weekend! Also, cheese!

* Wait, I mean, don't drink! It's bad for you!

* Check out the Internet instead!